I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
