yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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