If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
