the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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