Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
