Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
