i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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