I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
