I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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