When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
