she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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