I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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