if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
