He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
FUCK WHALES
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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