Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
