my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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