I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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