New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
