It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
