Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
