i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
