He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
