Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
