Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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