Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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