i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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