im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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