I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I looked at my own cervix.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
