i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
