Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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