My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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