how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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you inspire me to be a worse person
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.