I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store