I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
zippers are such a cool invention
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.