I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
