you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
