and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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