So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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