Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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