it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize