So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
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