update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
