I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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