Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have post one night stand depression
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