I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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