im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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