My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
