Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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