I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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