There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i barfeds in our rink
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
