I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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