A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
