8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
