Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
