I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
