No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i came on her dog
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
