i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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