I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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